I can speak about the issue of love and separateness for a long time. Yes like two points on a rope; the heart is the measure in all things – as I have said before –everything can be determined by how near or far we are from that central point.
I feel human beings are making choices all the time; conscious and unconscious; to turn away, to close down,to disconnect. People seem to think that the less involvement they have the easier life is, all the time you can see it, people making decisions to be cool instead of warm. I dont understand it, I cant understand it; I am like a child running towards the playground of life and becoming upset when people don't want to play.
People think love is a prison, but I see it as the most perfect anarchy; it sets people free. When love comes to town then all stuck habits and fixed ideas get thrown around. People often fight love because very often it isn't comfortable or easy. Love brings up the deepest feelings, the hidden memories, the fears; it brings them up so they can be presented to the light but in that surfacing of fear many people become terrified and push it back down again. They stop love so that they can stay the same, remain unchanged.
I sometimes feel like I am not made for this world, because I am like a fool, I burn everytime on the fires of love, I drown in the seas, I run into the experience – my heart open. But I will continue to do it, because if I close my heart then I die.
I like what you say about homesickness– yes, a person separated from the heart is in exile from themselves and cannot reach home. And yet when another person comes to hold out a hand to them very often they turn away, they would rather stay in their distant land, because they dont know what will happen to them if they come back home, because maybe the last time they were home something bad happened.
And yet, it only takes meeting one person for maybe one minute and our faith can be restored, we can find magic again in our hearts and souls. And maybe people search for the one ideal romantic love, for that story, so that they can believe, because they really want to believe. And at the same time love can be in many places, with many people. But for how long? Is it the life long sustainable love that we crave? Because once we were babies, and our umbilical cord was cut, and now all we crave is to have that closeness again, to have that sea of life around us,that warmth, that trust.. even if actually our childhoods were not so beautiful .. inside ourselves, deep inside – we know the possibilities, the beauty, the safety of love. Unconditional love.
I dont think we should make our decisions in life because of our fears.. fear should not be our guide. Our scars should be worn with pride and experience; we can say 'I loved and I was hurt, I loved and I received joy.' We can love in a limitless way. Because the whole world is full of love. We can have unprotected love!
And yet, in my tired times, in my reflective times, my pain is so great that I can't feel the love that I want to feel and the waves of isolation come over me. Then I want the love of my father, the lovers that left me, I dont look at the many people here and now that love me with strength – no, I look at the ones that turned away and my pain swallows me, it is like a pain deep inside that wont let me go. But as the years go by, I learn to let it go, I learn to believe different things, I learn different stories about who I am, better stories. When I am in exile, when I am in pain, then I feel a long way from myself and the yearning in me is huge, all my soul, my core yearns for connectedness, and the desire for that becomes so great I feel that life is impossible to live. So, I have to soothe myself, and just get through until i come to a lighter place.
And I am my ancestors, painted blue, riding on magical horses – with the heart as the only measure.