Monday, June 20, 2016

The Room

Noone said 'Here are the keys to your life.'
But if they had done then you might have entered that room
and seen the clutter inside and the many doors
you would have become distracted by fabulous times
and friends
and found money in drawers
and begun to watch so many films
some about yourself

The men
would be many
and so much beauty
but now you look at the narcissists in their lairs and snarl as you walk by

Time would bend and space would open and suddenly you would be in many countries
all at once
and dancing
and crying

In that moment and in that moment and in that moment you would feel love
and your heart would become filled with sweetness
then suddenly it all goes dark and you would find yourself alone in a bed with the curtains drawn
without reason to be
but you keep waking up
and at some undefined point you realise you are smiling
and he, and he, and he did not kill you

and all the dreams and all the hopes and all the rushing and pushing and getting and gigantia of it
one day slows down

and in that room you would suddenly want to retreat
to nestle with a book and another
and wait, look around, do you see – you are alone
no more calls, no more rings on the doorbell, no more offers or dates or invites

But this is not the end
and the room still has many doors you did not yet see

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Restless Need

Restless Need  a work in progress

The voices are always worse inside. On long, summer days they literally scream at me to stay outside – but one of them is a trickster and tries to stop me from doing the Timings. The Timings are important to the order of everyday. Without them everything will fall apart. And I mean everything. It's not just a case of me and my flat, it's a situation that affects the whole world. The Timings keep everything running.

I have to go out on 7 separate occasions throughout the day. It starts from 9.30am and ends about 5.30pm. Like a job. When I come back from any one of the ambles I stay in for maybe 15 minutes then go out again. I have the same circuit walks each day; up to town and back through the public garden, down the alley to the sea and along the prom then back. Up to town and into the library or a shop – but not for long. Along the alley and back along the prom. And combinations of those walks.

Sometimes I wait for her. I know some of her times; she talked to me more at the beginning – so I know at least a few times when she has to leave the house to give a class, or whatever it is she does. I wait in the courtyard and when she comes down the steps she has to see me whether she likes it or not. On those days I feel brave and wonderful. But I also feel angry afterwards because she never stops to talk to me properly. Today I tried to talk to her about the things she has in her windows but she couldn't wait to get out of the gate.

When I know she's gone for sure sometimes I get my paradise keys and go into her flat. The landlady forgot she gave me those keys before the flat got re-rented and it was being repainted and workmen were in and out. When I go in I am very quiet because I want to feel her through every part of myself. Sometimes I sit on her sofa for just a moment and imagine she is sitting with me, laughing and talking as we relax after a busy day. I always do one thing when I am in her flat; one small thing to show a visit was made; today I moved one of the plants; one tiny change to how everything is.

To be continued..